Ice Water

definitely indecisive

misty caves, heavy fog on cold nights and the sound of crashing waves and sea lions barking. this is where we’re headed after the death of the owner and our lease in our current house is up. just last week i was thinking about where we’d be in one year, and it has completely changed. i will not move back. i will never be returning, i am continuing a very new, very great life that involves most new people and new challenges that benefit me and my love.i am a live-in nanny for four nights out of the week in a little town with no reception and a bear on the loose eating the neighbor’s fruit trees. i awake in my trailer to the sound of a screaming women (or so it sounds) to realize i am hearing either mountain lions or coyotes. i love it so much. i love being so absolutely away from everyone and everything i’ve ever known. the water is scarce due the drought, we haul all of the food in and the nearest store is a tiny little market about 40 minutes away. i feel like talking about it gives too much light, exposes this retreat too much. it’s a secret haven that i feel so grateful to have been invited too, and to be working in such a beautiful place in the world. on top of that my boss has offered me the two bedroom house within walking distance to our favorite beach. i can’t think of anything that would make this better. i’m so glad to have taken a chance and moved out here when we did. things have been very hard to work through, and i know i’m nowhere near done with hard times in my life, but i am very excited for the future, to continue putting myself in situations i have only myself to rely on and in ones that scare the living hell out of me, to look back and not just say “i’ve done that” but “i once was scared about doing that, too” when i’m talking to my child or anyone in a similar place to where i’ve been. i may never climb a redwood but i will create things and adventure my heart out.

— 1 week ago with 1 note

The latest craze with “my cat is all I care about” stemming from our selfish desire to portray emotion to something we claim with money and is “our own” after domestication yet flaunting our denial of emotions toward any other human being.

A way of saying “I hate everyone yet I want so badly to portray this to you so you know very clearly, I’m denying to myself that i’m craving human emotion. acceptance, love, sympathy. “

put that cat shirt back on the rack, boy.

— 2 weeks ago
i’ve loved you since i was sixteen, each day it grows wilder, more vividly in depth than before. you’re my absolute everything good and bad. i love you more than i could ever describe with any form of language, any distance as an example. you’re perfectly beautiful, you’re the best part of waking up each and every morning, trying to stay up late. i want everything good for you

i’ve loved you since i was sixteen, each day it grows wilder, more vividly in depth than before. you’re my absolute everything good and bad. i love you more than i could ever describe with any form of language, any distance as an example. you’re perfectly beautiful, you’re the best part of waking up each and every morning, trying to stay up late. i want everything good for you

— 2 weeks ago

continuing this before being away from civilization for three days working. i lost the power i gave to my jems. far from “my precioussssssssssss” but these used to at least help me feel confident. two days ago i asked why mason was crying and since he is 7 months old i answered it for him with “because i wiped your nose like 15 minutes ago? let it go” and something that simple made me realize i hold on to so much. not only shame and guilt from last year, but from childhood and am frequently trying to correct situations or come up with the perfect comeback like to some ass hole comment from middle school. saying let go is so simple, but actually doing it with so much changing is hard because i have no clue what to actually hold onto. how do i let go of everything and still be an ideal worker, son’s girlfriend, daughter, and friend? and maybe that’s what i’m learning is that the little helpful “things to learn in your twenties” is right, as well as my acid induced quotes ontop of grandmother oak from two years ago. everything is always changing, hold onto nothing. i just want to think i have substance, but i’m allowing myself to rot in the process.

— 1 month ago
#indecisivepoetry 

Vocalizing through typed words how incredibly low I feel. As though I walk through life with some fantasized idea of what it means, I have no clue what good I am. I make conversation with nothing and no longer make eye contact, feeling my body begin to feel faint and urging to exit as quick as possible, for no particular reason other than I truly think life is nothing important, we’re all denying that we’re destroying the plant and all other species for selfish reasoning. And yet again, that there are no ears willing to listen and help. At 16 I believed j was strong, I had everything figured out and I hate that I’ve dropped so low, not even seeing the nearest point to escape this ocean. I’m scrutinizing every action I do and don’t do, and that of everything around me. While I’d like to feel happy I just don’t see the point in such a useless fucking rotation

— 1 month ago

I’m able to transform you into a giant statue in my mind. A beautiful portrait of something you never were.

— 1 month ago
lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here

I’m curios if anyone even realizes they’re quoting touched amore!! :) love

lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here

I’m curios if anyone even realizes they’re quoting touched amore!! :) love

— 1 month ago with 4393 notes