Joe Rogan is so nice to listen to while you’re in your bed with clean new sheets, a silk night gown and an extremely fuzzy blanket, leaving no room for discomfort. aside from a mild tummy ache i am relaxed to a high extent reflecting on some great wisdom i’ve heard today. while ordering the gift i’m getting for vincent, i had a nice longer-than the usual customer talk with the man at the record store. we’ve always gotten along very well, since we were even looking for houses here we’ve been in that store and have listened to the owner’s metal band from the 80’s when he was a hardcore vegetarian to some newer noise/black metal we considered buying. it’s nice how music can lead to so many different words between you and the one you’re supporting to listen to more of it. we talked about kids and how i’m quiting my job to become a full-time nanny to which he told me he has an 8 year old and a 6 year old, who he home schools and how he was a full time dad while his wife worked full time. we talked about the vulnerability of young children to emotions and other people, how much you truly reflect on yourself because you’re their example and you’re the one teaching them everything they know until books are involved. he asked if vincent and i talk about having children since i’m around the age people begin seriously considering that and i said yes. i know it won’t be this or next or even the year after next, but i’m so excited to have a beautiful child of our own, when the time is right and we can mentally and financially give to that life what we feel they deserve. till then we’ll focus on finishing school, traveling, and buying our own house eventually.
merrr just not yet.
i’ve been watching documentaries and interviews and one was with beyonce where she was asked “do you like being a wife compared to a girlfriend” and she laughed and said something along the lines of “just make sure you’re your own person before getting married” and it really made me think about how just in the past month i’ve become so much more my own person again. i’m still completely in love with vincent and excited to celebrate our four years of determination and excitement and love and happiness but i’ve also gained my sight again of who i am, what i like, what i’m good at and i’m so eager to begin life after wildberries haha. 40 hours a week there, at least 10 hour days on my days off babysitting, maintaining a strong relationship and trying to have friends??? then pack on the school, shopping, lizards and cat, garden, bills, family and their expectations of communication/visits. it’s taken two years since graduation where my entire world did a trust fall and fell flat on it’s back, that i’ve been able to see the new world around me and work with it with a clear mind. i’m very proud of myself.
anyway, my night is filled with explosions in the sky, a cat who cannot get comfortable, and pumpking scented oil burning because it’s offically retail fall time!! :) my favorite thing materialistically haha. and of course Joe Rogan’s podcast which i’ve actually never heard before, but some old friends talked about it a while back. the one i listened to was “women and relationships” and he talked about how no matter how bad any of his past relationships were he would never have anything negative to say about that person as a whole, which i completely respect and plan on keeping on mind. i’m very quick to hold grudges and not forgive certain actions, but i;m realzing i give so much of my energy to this constant nagging of hatred. even for people i was never in a relationship with, just didn’t get along with or had some bad experiences with. vincent used to upset me when he’d say “i hope she’s happy and has a good life” because i didn’t understand why he’d want that for someone who beat his heart to pulp or to someone who was mean to me. i get it now, and have a long list i should mentally mend things with haha. things like this probably have a lot to do with anxiety, constantly thinking of how much you dislike certain people from your past, so when you’re in situations you over analyze your moves because you’ve created this caste like system where you absolutely cannot reflect anything of those people or your bad.
i could go on and on which is a clear sign to me that i am very sleepy. goodnight internet world.