"I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people, to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole."
stranger things will come before you
Last night i had a pretty intense conversation with my two good friends Julian and Juan while we drank mugwort tea and took kava tincture. Julian said both of his ex’s have recently confessed feelings for him though both of them are in long term relationships. he asked what we thought and i can’t say i know what i think fully. i’m so interested in what makes us humans so impulsive to say things like that. why, when relationships have rough patches do we assume (as he put it) the grass is greener on the other side? this bought on a whirl of thoughts like “Did she mean it? what brought her to say this? Does she truly think of you, even while with her current partner?” i’m assuming it’s impulsive.. maybe it’s not. maybe she’s thought of this thoroughly and truly means it, but why then would she stay with the other person? ….. i’m wondering if it’s just that, the whole grass quote, i know very well while one thinks their ride is in the mud they’ll seek another, even if a tow truck is clearly on it’s way. i’m using symbols for something so simple. when things get rough we look elsewhere to not deal with our current situations. even if you truly care for someone it’s so easy to forget about that, and just act impulsive on something even if it hurts your core that you’re doing it. it’s natural, we’re animals who are attracted to others. we put shutters on to deny that we’re even acting this way, playing with everyone involved-’s feelings. it’s so selfish and destructive. Julian ended the conversation asking how we would go about saying “we can no longer be friends” ….. it hurts. though i didn’t like the girl or even know the second, it sucks to lose a friendship that meant so much to you. but i agree with him that is the only way to ever really squash it, because the friendship cannot continue (in the least, healthfully) with the feelings she may or may not have in the long run, or even after things like this come up.
Every day is another day of progress, i’m tumbling uphill, regaining only what i feel necessary to move on and each day i’m learning something new of me and the world we are surrounded by. This cloudy weather is now nice for a relaxing day off, hand washing laundry and letting it dry with the clean air Humboldt county gives with such a vast redwood forest covering the coast. very very very happy with the life we’re making and grateful for all of it :)
"Don’t settle. Don’t finish crappy books. If you don’t like the menu, leave the restaurant. If you’re not on the right path, get off it."
I’ve been working out pretty strenuously for three weeks and I am proudly working toward taking a cute fucking bath picture (along with a body I admire everyday.) I’ve also come to the realization that the longer I deny that I am the sole reason for not being where I find ideal I will sink further into an uncomfortable body. I love feeling so many drops of swet fall off my body, it’s such a reward :)
today is one of those inspiring days, where even the bad parts feel great. i’ve finally become okay with letting go, there are friends who will never be as close as they once were and i’m happily accepted and encouraging this change. yesterday we threw a barbeque and lots of our new friends came and i found myself drunk on my couch with my new friends who i have so much in common with. these were new coworkers, neighbors, and those of vincent’s. after almost a year of living here i’m finally feeling it. i know my way around the streets, which shortcuts to take, which beautiful scenic routs to take more often, how to smile and breathe completely again. it’s been almost two years since my world changed completely, fell not-so-gracefully into confusing little pieces and i recognized nothing other than my fear, anxiety, and the scared girl i was years ago and she returned full force. this town is such a cleanse, even when i hate my job and the hours i get i come home to a beautiful man smiling through his piles of homework and research papers just happy to see me. i love him more than anyone will ever know, and i like it that way because he understands is perfectly. i’m falling more and more in love with him and our life together each day, slowly allowing everything to float by and focus on the things that make us happy, focused, and inspired. i broke his favorite mug so today i bought a beautiful little flower and put it in…i hope he’ll like it haha.. i watched my first sunset a few days ago with him and his parents who were visiting for a few days. it was beautiful and i didn’t feel rushed to do anything else, have to make sure they’re happy or anything. then we went back into the room they bought for their time here and talked until all the light went away and even when that happened we didn’t mind. all the lights stayed off and we just all talked for a long time and it was so peaceful. nothing to distract us, and i could visualize everything they talked about. their childhood adventures, moving in together, owning their house. i’m just in such a great time and i’m grateful for everything
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” But being perfect wouldn’t actually protect you from those emotions, and if you never let yourself fail (or beat yourself up when you do), you miss out on a lot.
-Brené Brown (Daring Greatly)